Since my last blog. I really had intended to start blogging again, but I haven't really had much to say.
No, thats not true. I've had plenty I've wanted to say but I just didn't want to be negative.
The first couple of months after closing the shop went by in a bit of a blur. I went straight into my job with no break as I was needed when someone went off sick for a couple of months. Then a month after they came back someone left. And a week after that someone else went away for 2 and a half months. Looking forward to them coming back in a week!
Because I've been working pretty much full time the past few months. Which has been great money wise, I think the wedding has been saved up for, honeymoon is on its way, we bought a car after Adam passed his driving test... But health wise, not so great.
Don't get me wrong!! I love my job, I love my boss and work peeps. Its just very full on, and does require a lot of energy. My boss seems to have a sixth sense for when I'm low on energy and gives me an extra day off!
I work pretty much every weekend though, and that means I don't get to see my friends. I've asked to see them in the week (my days off are Thurs/Fri and every 4th Sat), but nothing. I either never hear back from them, or they've forgotten which Saturdays I have off and book other stuff to do (particularly gutting for my birthday - should have guessed after my 30th when I went to do Harry Potter but no-one would confirm until it was too late to buy tickets, and now they are stupid expensive). At least Adam remembered to book my birthday off work - he's so forgetful sometimes and has only been in his new job 4 weeks!
I've been feeling a little let down. I know one of them has given me a lot of support this year, and I've given her loads in return, and she's fab, but when you've told someone the only day to celebrate your birthday is this particular Sat, and they've told you to name what you want to do and they'll be there... Its kind of very upsetting when they then tell you they've made other plans.
The one I never hear from... Not sure what I've done to upset her, besides the one time she wanted to visit I'd spent the night before throwing up so not really up for visitors... She hung up on me, never told me to get well or checked up on me after.
And thats kind of why I haven't bothered to post. Because I've not really had any adventures, as I've had no friends to go on adventures with, or I've been feeling too unwell. I got sick on holiday 5 weeks ago and haven't really recovered since then. I just want to eat toast, or porridge with apple sauce or rice with peas. Luckily I've only lost 3lbs, and don't seem to be losing anymore.
Need to stop rambling crap now. Time to move on I guess.
Two months ago I made the decision to close my shop. It was difficult, I loved my little shop, I loved my regular customers, my reps were fantastic and the shops around me amazing.
But it didn't pay me a wage. And we all know without a wage you can't do things like pay the rent or utility bills at home, eating I hear is quite important, and we definitely could not do something insane like save up for a wedding!
I've mentioned before that I took on a second job in January. Thats because with Adam working full time we're not entitled to anything that would help us like tax credits. So I had to work a second job to bring in those lovely pennies that would help pay the bills. And maybe if I could pay myself a little from the shop, that went into savings for the wedding/honeymoon/future.
I'm going to say that running a yarn shop would never have made me a rich person. I never wanted to be a rich person. I just wanted to be able to pay myself a living wage whilst enabling people to make the stuff they wanted. But hey ho, the people didn't want me to be able to live!
What frustrated me the most in my last two weeks... Besides the "vultures" grabbing at items because omg its 40% off everything!!!!! It was the false sympathy from people who only wanted to hear that my business had failed. That I was upset and sad. That I'd lost money. That I owed money.
Ha! Well, they were the ones upset! My business did not fail. It broke even. I could pay for everything every month apart from myself. I was slightly upset to close, but I feel it was a wise business decision, and I'm relived that I no longer have that burden. No, I didn't lose any money. With what I did manage to pay myself, plus the takings from the closing down sale, I've got my initial investment back. All my accounts were paid off, in full, I owe nothing to anyone (well apart from the last card machine/phone/electricity bill, but I can pay those easily!).
The thing that made me the most sad... Taking more money in those two weeks than I would normally take in two months. My highest taking days before these two weeks... Around £300. Every single one of those sale days was way more than that. And I can tell you £300 days did not happen very often. If they had, this would not have happened, all would be fine and dandy.
The worst part of closing day though... My mum phoning to say my great grandma had died that afternoon. I don't think there are many 31 year olds out there who can say they still had a great grandma, but I did. She was 96 years old, and I hadn't seen her about 4 years. She wasn't quite sure who I was, but when we told her, she grabbed hold of me, cried a little and then wouldn't let me go. She still insisted on calling me by my mum's name though, but it was ok. The best part of that visist was her showing me all the little things she was knitting and crocheting at the time. It clearly runs in the family!
I won't be going to the funeral, theres too much bad feeling between my family and that part of the family (something that happened 16 years ago at my Grandad's funeral... Yup, my great grandma outlived my grandad), plus travel to Kent etc etc etc.
Its been an interesting week, clearing the shop out (my dining room is now full of bags of wool and haberdashery), and just being at one job! And I've got tomorrow (Saturday) off, and I have no idea what to do with the day.
And my knitting mojo has returned, and I finished a sock! Yay me!
Also, I'd just like to take a moment to brag about how awesome my friends are. They gave up days off to come and help me run the shop on the last day, throw things into bags, lug stuff back to the flat and keep me from tearing my hair out. Bea and Harry travelled up from the New Forest to help out, which is just so awesome. Laura, as always, helped all weekend and was a great provider of hugs. Victoria helped move the ribbons to the florist. Kerensa (the florist) and her mum helped move stuff to the flat on Sunday, and Lou helped move all that too, and then took the fat quarters to sell to her work colleagues! Christine (my boss) provided treats to keep me going, Andrew and Bev provided support. David was a great help throughout the whole process, changing my way of thinking and helping me calm down after the more difficult customers.
And of course, my family who have been at the end of the phone to provide support, even if they couldn't be here physically.
Adam has been the major support, coz I live with him, obviously! He's been there through the tears of frustration, through moving the shop from one unit to another, giving up at least three sets of holiday to help out, helping me add stuff up in Excel to show the business wasn't growing (even if it was breaking even). For saying goodbye to his friends and turning off the Playstation when I went into the living room on Sunday morning (1am), sobbing my heart out and needing cuddles. I'll never be able to thank him enough for that, and its one of the reasons I'm looking forward to marrying his face off!
A lot of my life so far has been taken up with ugly.
Ugly was the way I was bullied at school because I wanted to be different. I actively searched out to be different. I didn't want to wear fashionable clothes, I wanted to wear black dresses and lace and velvet (I finally got my way when I was 17 and went off to college where people thought I was awesome!). I didn't like mainstream music, I loved Blur and Pulp and later I got into heavy metal and Goth rock. I didn't watch the soaps, I watched Star Trek! I didn't care that my friends who did like these things were in the year below, what did age matter to me? They were still people (and were also bullied for being different).
Ugly was the way my first love told me he was with me coz he felt sorry for me. Because I'd never have someone else because I was fat and ugly. To this day those words still haunt me, and I will look at Adam and ask why he is with me because I'm so fat and ugly...
Ugly was the way this formed the rest of my life. How I went from being a very reasonable weight for my height (ok I was on the border of normal and overweight, but I think thats better than what happened next) to being underweight.
Going from 11 stone to 7 and a half stone. And still looking in the mirror and seeing fat and ugly.
Ugly is looking back at these pictures and wondering why no-one asked what was wrong, was I eating ok... Until Jumble Jelly, when Debbie took me to one side and told me how concerned she was about me. Ugly was the way I cried because someone had finally realised how much pain I was in... And thats when I started my recovery.
And no, I don't think I was anorexic. I definitely was not bulimic as I'm vomit-phobic! But due the past relationship where I had no control... Food was the only thing I could control. I have allergies, since birth I've been allergic to animal fats and dairy, and I've since become intolerant to gluten. However I played on it, and made it worse, so I only ate rice, tomato passata, peas and chickpeas for the longest time.
Recovery has been difficult. I'm back to a good weight of about 10 and a half stone, you can't count my ribs anymore and my shoulders don't stick out! I will still look in the mirror and think those ugly thoughts... But its quieter. Adam will tell me to shut up, and kiss me and make the demons go away.
And I can't wait to be able to afford to go back to burlesque classes again, last year they really helped my confidence and made me stand tall and be proud I was the only one in the class who could twerk hahaha!
I want to start by saying thank you so much for all the lovely comments on my last post. I'm not sure what my next adventure is yet (apart from planning a wedding and looking forward to a wonderful marriage!), but I hope it will be as exciting as everything I've done so far.
I've had a lot of new beginnings recently, starting about three and a half years ago when my relationship of five and a half years ended suddently, abruptly without any sign. We'd been bimbling along quite happily, and then one day it was just over.
I've realised my ex was actually quite controlling, he didn't let me have any say in the running of the household. Can you believe I was 28 when I paid my first bill?! He was quite "old fashioned". He earnt the major money, he paid for everything. I had quite a cushy life, my birthday being close to Christmas I'd write a joint Birthday/Christmas list and he'd get me everything on it for my birthday. Yes, he spoilt me rotten with gifts, but withheld his love. I had a hug and a kiss quota, we didn't snuggle on the sofa, and I won't mention anything more personal... I loved him so much and just wanted to make him happy so I dealt with it, explaining it to myself as he's really stressed at work, he likes to be alone, I'm fairly certain he has autistic tendacies...
So after that ended, I had to begin again. Find out who I really was, what I really wanted from life. Your early twenties are quite formative years, and I'd spent them with him. I had to begin to enjoy my own company completely, sure I was used to being on my own in the living room whilst he was in his "office", but if I wanted a chat I just walked to the next room. It was really difficult, but I made friends with Little Laura just before the break up, and she spent as much time as she could with me, and then afterwards Other Laura arrived in our lives, and I spent a lot of time with her too.
Six months later I was being kicked out of my very first flat (apart from student accomodation at uni, this was the first time I'd lived alone), and trying to find somewhere new to live with just a part time job of 14 hours a week. Around here rent for a one bed flat is upwards of £495 a month. I was placed on the housing register, but until I was actually homeless I was only a "gold", not "platinum" which would get me a house right away. Oh, and because I hadn't worked for two years after being made redundant, I had no national insurance to get me any benefits. Fun!
Other Laura and I started to look for somewhere we could possibly rent together, but we had no luck. Just two weeks before the end of my tenancy, the estate agents found me my current flat, negotiated an incredibly good rent, and I moved in.
Another new beginning! A new flat, and then a new job in the sustainable supermarket (where I'm working again now), and I loved it. The ex then moved to Australia, so I didn't have to worry about seeing him in town, and I started to move on with the love life.
And wow, trying to date again! As I'm not from the area, and neither are the Lauras, I wasn't able to be set up with friends of friends, or someone at work. I signed up to a couple of dating websites... That is definitely a minefield of crazy! The first guy I started talking to would have been perfect if I hadn't found out he'd been lying about various things (he said if he'd told me he had a daughter I'd never of gone out with him in the first place. Possibly true, but she was practically a teenager so I'd have considered it!). Others just pawed at me as soon as they possibly could. Some didn't look anything like their pictures when we met, or we just had nothing to talk about.
Throughout all of this though, Adam was always in the background. He and his girlfriend had broken up just before my break up (my ex and Adam's ex were together years ago, she insisted we all met up when they holidayed in Bath - most awkward evening ever - but Adam and I stayed in touch). For us, the beginning was supporting each other through our heartbreak, and forming a friendship. We would text (him more than me, coz I'm pretty bad at texting haha), we had a marathon Skype session of 12 hours, we even spent a Valentines evening together on Facetime as neither of us had dates. I tried to push it out of my mind that I liked him - he's 5 years younger than me, he's my ex's ex and thats icky... But I began to look forward to his texts in the evenings, or 4am in the morning when I couldn't get back to sleep and he just couldn't sleep (he used to exist on about 15 minutes of sleep a night until he'd crash once a week and sleep for almost a day at a time, with me he gets about 5-6 hours now).
We agreed he'd come to visit me on holiday, and we joked that we'd hook up and make like bunnies, but always said no, that could never happen coz we're such good friends. I got so excited that he was coming to visit, I'd tell all my friends and said we must all get together so you can meet! Apparently they all knew from this that I liked him!
And I guess you know what happened, since we're now engaged and all!
Thats already lots of new beginnings, and that wasn't even the end! I became a yarn shop owner, sharing retail space with another store. That didn't work out so I had to begin again in another space. Adsm and I moved in together and he began a new life 130 miles away from his previous life, and that was quite a learning curve after me being alone for 2 years.
Now we begin again, looking towards this next adventure, whatever and whenever it appears!
Sorry if this is really long, but its nice to write it all out and see how far I've come from the pampered, spoilt little girl I was with my ex!
The wonderful A Playlful Day is all about giving us challenges, and making us think in different ways. She has been blogging and podcasting about an inspired 2015, and now April is about falling back in love with your blog. I thought I'd be too tired and stressed to follow along, but maybe its exactly what I need right now.
The first topic is "Interactions and Community". I have a lots of that, working in retail, so I'm going to share my experiences.
First of all, currently I'm a yarn shop owner. The interactions with customers here are compeltely different fo the interactions with customers in my second job (sustainable supermarket).
In the yarn shop people need more interaction. Certainly there are those who know exactly what they want and need nothing more than me to bag it up and take payment and wish them fun with their project, but I'd say about 85% of people need more than that.
I swear sometimes they feel I'm asking daft questions, but its my retail background. I've only ever worked retail, I have a degree in retail management, I've been trained to understand the customer! So if I continue to ask more and more questions its because the customer has yet to give me enough information for me to be able to give them the help they need.
Interaction isn't all verbal though. I can tell just by how someone walks in to the shop if they will need a lot of help, some help, or want to be completely ignored. I try very hard to say hello, or make eye contact with everyone. This does not mean I want you to buy stuff (although that would be nice!), it just means I'm letting you know I'm here and available should you need help. I had a customer a few weeks ago who walked around my entire shop (and its not massive, I know that, but it meant she had to walk past me), and she refused to say hello or make eye contact. In fact, when she got to where I sit, she turned her back on me immediately. Some people are just like that.
Which brings us to community. A yarn shop tends to build a community. Usually by having a knitting group. I don't have one. When only one or two people show up, it seems a waste of time.
So I don't feel like I've built one for other people, but I do feel like I've become part of one. Its very rare now that I can walk down the street without someone saying hello. I have a few customers who will on,y come to me for help with their projects. Or indeed only buy yarn from me (I always tell them its ok, I understand there are other yarn shops out there who carry different things to me!).
It was difficult when I took on the second job (which is where I used to work before I took over the yarn shop) to set the boundaries for this community. The shops actually share a wall, so for some people they thought I was running both at the same time. I open the second job 9-10 every morning, and have people asking why I'm not in my shop (I open at 10 is my response). I even had someone come and ask for help with a knitting a pattern on a Sunday in the second job because "well, you're the knitting lady!". I had to very firmly tell her that I am paid very well to be at the second job and as such I need to concentrate only on that job and that I'd be able to help her when I had my knitting hat back on in the shop on Tuesday. Needless to say she didn't come back, but I needed to define those boundaries!
I do love my little yarn shop. I will miss it soon, as I have finally made the decision to close. Unfortunately the interactions are becoming less frequent, and the community is failing (for whatever reason) to support not only me, but many of the local shops in town. We've lost our sweet shop, the bath bomb shop and an antique shop since Christmas. A florist closed but another has opened, and we have a cheese shop (although second job has always sold cheese!). But shops are closing quicker than they are being replaced. I think it showed quite true that the community here doesn't really care about the town when we had a parish poll in February - out of around 10,000 people only 3000 turned out to vote (Adam and I were on holiday and unable to vote).
The moral of the story is - interact with your local community. Spend more in your local independant shops (obviously only if there is something you want). A Playful Day is a proud supporter of the "Just A Card" campaign (http://www.molliemakes.com/craft-2/just-card-campaign/). And it is so true. If everyone who told me how beautiful my shop is, had even just bought some buttons or a bit of ribbon... I'd be able to pay myself more than £2 an hour. Seriously, thats how many people give me that compliment but don't buy anything.
Think the next time you are in an indie shop. They probably aren't paying themselves minimum wage, if they are taking a wage at all. If they are talking to you, its not because they want you to buy something, they probably haven't seen anyone to talk to for a while and are craving an interaction! Go talk to them, find out what their business stands for, and maybe buy a little something to keep them going.
Since July last year (specifically after our holiday) I started to feel a little run down. It happens with me, being an ignorer of my fibromyalgia. I thought nothing of it, and continued on my merry way.
In December I started having small panic attacks, and thought I was just worried about travelling back to Kent to meet Adam's friends at a wedding in a place I'd never been to before... Most people will know I hate travelling, I'm a bit of a control freak and travelling means things outside of my control.
It all went well, obviously, and I thought that would be it.
Well, when we went on holiday in February it started up again, less panicky, but still little ones. We got engaged which was the best day of my life so far, then I got a cold and things haven't been great since.
I feel tired, but I can't sleep properly. My whole body aches. I constantly feel sick, and I'm struggling to eat anything. I have IBS symptoms again.
But mostly I just feel numb. I mean, seriously, I just got engaged and we've booked the registry office and the reception, and I'm kinda oh alright about it now. I was so excited at the time, but now... Meh.
I was very brave and went to the doctor on Thursday. She made me fill out a quiz type thing and I have mild depression and moderate anxiety (scores of 9 and 14). Well, I knew that already! I'm going for a butt load of blood tests on Tuesday.
I'm really hoping its just my vitamin D dipped again. I can't understand how it could really, after the massive mega dose I was on a couple of years ago, but maybe my maintanence isn't enough and I've used up my reserves. Or my B12 isn't absorbing properly and I'll need injections forever.
Those things I can handle! But I'm very much a person who looks on the bad side and I constantly worry that its something more...
I feel sorry for Adam the most. I have no energy outside of work, and he's doing all the household stuff. He's even encouraging me to take showers and helping me wash my hair and stuff. He's the most amazing guy ever, he told me that no matter what happens he is here for me, and he loves me and will do whatever it takes to get me better. Even if it means closing my shop.
Oh the plus side! I've lost 6lbs and my blood pressure and pulse are perfect :P